The Evil That Men Do!

So I posted this note at the back of my car yesterday for the alleged culprit that kept deflating my tyres. Safe to safe that my tyres were intact when I got back to it LOL!...yea yea I purposely left out the 'e', was trying to relate to all. 'Deflate' could confuse the one that's not good at reading and we all know that's like 89% of Nigerians. LOL!

Mans Just Chillin'

So I saw this one in the middle of the road relaxing on my way to work......As in he couldn't find anywhere more comfortable than the concrete divider of a major road?! O_o. If I say I've seen it all, I'd be lying SMH!

re LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Disclaimer: oh Hell I aint got none.....you cant sue me sha....I'm just mouthing off o....this one that i don comot "the abroad"...i know say this town, one small thing they fit turn am to major issue....THIS IS A MINOR BRETHREN!!!

Im in the jungle...fuck it no.....I'm in the middle of an ocean and I'm swimming with SHARKS...I'm in LAS GIDI BABY!!!....7months counting....someone send me a fucking badge mate. Infact I've caught on the lingo. I've started saying MINERALS, RECHARGE CARD, YOU'RE FALLING MY HAND o and PPPPPAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKK JO!!! lol

So I gone and done it. Packed up all me worldly goods and crossed the Atlantic....Let me tell you something mate the Queen aint got NOTHING on me. God bless cheap labour....eh eh eh!!!! Abeg abeg we all got to eat o. Dont blame me, blame your fucking GOVERNMENT!!!. and YES!!!! YOURS not mine. I am for Queen and Country.

ALL Nigerians (Yes I'm generalising) believe in 3 THINGS (GOD and money fight for the top spot, then Marriage). Wedding every weekend biko!!! How many people are in this Lagos sef!

So experience so far.....fucking ACE!!!. I've also learnt that Nigerians are LUNATICS as in EVERYBODY, which is perfect for me cuz I'm certainly not all there O_o LOL....

PLACE YOURSELF BITCHES!!!

GOVERNMENT KIDS: bunch of fucking babies LOL...no concept of anything...their major problem is so INSIGNIFICANT it's LAUGHABLE all they know it Champagne this , Louis Vuitton that, Dubai this, Range Rover that.... *sick with envy* LOL.

Your father is starving other people's children (a lil thanks tho cuz that's why I have Blessing, Kunle and Iya deji) so you can run around throwing money about, ending up on bella naija, city people etc.....hisss!!!! Yes!!! I said it, Fuck you!!! share the murrafucking contracts....LOL!!!! Most of you live on the Island....the next one of these kids to say to me I dont come on the mainland....DONT WORRY!!!. I'll send REAL MAINLAND GOONS to make you an offer.

Even me sef I dont want to come to the Island....We have SHOPRITE now!!! hahaha lol

JUST PLAIN FUCKING RICH KIDS: eh eh Let's just thank God that no one is after your life so they can take your father's position. but you do have to WATCH OUT for em Kidnappers if you are going to be a MEDIA WHORE like our dear Kimmy K and hanging out with em Govt Kids. They'll put you in TROUBLE o!!! LOL

POOR KIDS: TRULY a sad story!!! especially the lil ones selling stuff like cotton buds or plantain crisps!!! really how many COTTON BUDS can someone buy??? O_o. Personally the way i'm going I fit even open cotton bud shop sef!.

Also the ones begging for money. but some of those children are DOWN RIGHT OUT OF ORDER. I gave one of em 1k one day and the lil 'mare didnt even say thanks...just ran off....bet the HEIFER was thinking YAY!!! done my WEEKLY QUOTA hissss. N20 from now on.

 WORKING IN LAGOS: Honestly it's the GRACE of God that anything gets done. I'm even surprised businesses are actually profitable....Internet access is at a SNAIL's pace, No official office phone, most of the time you use your own credit to blady do office work. By GOD if I hear the word "QUERRY" again LOL!!! As in....they dont even pay you enough to give a RAT's arse.

MEN IN LAGOS: Married, Engaged, In the closet, Unserious. It's funny before I relocated, on my usual dec holidays...see BARE MEN!!! my friend used to say there are no men in Lagos....After 7months I can tell you the GOSPEL truth....there are PLENTY MEN o....but I dont know where they are lol and when I find out....POT OF GOLD!!!. I'm not greedy o! I will give some out LOL!!!

As in you people should not push someone o. It has even come to a stage I'm checking out those RIBBED SHIRT-LESS workmen on the road....some of them are BUFF O, forget levels LOL!!! Me that I like KUNTA-KINTE looking men

WOMEN IN LAGOS: The ones that make me laugh the most are this blady locally educated women...dont get me wrong there nuthing wrong with schooling in Nigeria o but when you start to PRETEND and FAKE it. You're opening yourself up for insults....Also all you gold-digging women sleeping around for money....YOU'RE FALLING MY HAND o!!!. You are spoiling market for the good ones....ki lo de!!! It's not by force to carry designer bag or enter plane. AND WE KNOW YOU O!!!!!! WE KNOW hisssssss

OKADA/DANFO: GET EM OFF OUR STREETS!!! I WILL MURDER SOMEONE O!!!

RANT OVER!!! Take it easy lovies. Follow me @afrosamurai411

The Age of the AfroSamurai

Disclamier: Fuck you. Sue me.

Beautiful that is exactly what life is. Makes you feel alive when you breathe. Look around you, everywhere there's life, living, breathing....hmmmm. I have come of age. I feel like a new woman. A new person. I know my purpose and I'm going out to get it. Its not easy believe me. I struggle daily to accept difficult challenges, to press on pass negativity, to keep my dream alive.

I haven't blogged for a bit I know. Things have been...let's say busy since my last post. ALOT HAS HAPPENED. both good and bad. Baby that's life. You take the good with the bad. Right now, I feel good thanks to the 2 full glasses of rose down my throat lol....doesnt make for easy typing i tell you that for free but press on we shall.

The age of the AFROSAMURAI....what does it all I mean. Still trying to figure it out honie don't ask me. but i'll tell you something, it feels like EMPOWERMENT. it  feels like control. I am at that age where i feel freaking fantastic cuz there's a lot on the horizon and i cant wait to explore it. What i have realised is all you can do in this game called life is play your part and play it well. What more can you do? You cannot sell your soul to another because you feel it will make them happy or make you happy. In life, you go out and get what you want cuz honie, its not going to fall on your lap. I feel empowered, I feel delirious lol. Magnificent...what other freaking adjective can i think of, it feels great. Yet again it could be the rose talking lol.

I've got major plans. have you got plans? things you want to happen, things you want. Never give up on it. you keep striving for it, going for it cuz eventually something will give whichever way the shit plays out. It's hard I know, I know alot about difficulties, challenges and you know what, its made me stronger than i ever thought i would be. You press on sugar, you press on and make your dreams come true cuz that's what i'm going for. FAMILY remember that is very important but dont get it twisted family can also drive you MAD. But yet have a hunger to stand on your own feet and make your own dreams happen.

Life is full of complicated shit, cuz people are complicated, honest, deceitful, kind, greedy, loving, users. You are not living in a fairy tale my friend. Its a BIG BAD WORLD and you have to show you are a SOLDIER OF LIFE and you know what SOLDIERS DO, they FIGHT for what they believe in, kill for what they believe in. So my fellow compadre, I AM A SAMURAI, a SOLDIER OF LIFE. A SOLIDER that will strive to her very last breath cuz when i go to my grave which WE ALL will eventually get to, i want to know i have done all i can to MAKE MY LIFE WORTH LIVING. NO1. HEADBAND!

Impossible Relationships

Disclaimer: These are just the thoughts of an over-active young mind. A mind that seems complex but yet so simple. I do not offer advice or opinions on your life, this is about my imagination so do not take my word for it and end your marriage. YOU LAID YOUR BED.....I on the other hand is still free to change sheets lol...

Gosh!!! Would the Lord send me someone I am completely compatible with??? Is there any guy out there who thinks almost like me, understands me and appreciate me. I am a young woman that feels like she's been forced into having a relationship by a caring yet overbearing sister. What am I going to do???

Relationships are not meant to be difficult. I forsee my relationship as easy-going and drama-free. I dont want to be the boss. I want my man to be a man but seek my opinion on matters. I want a man to lavish me with love, hugs, dinners and gifts. In return, I would be there for him, loyal to him, love him, de-stress him, cook for him, clean for him, lay with him.

Honestly, I have been seeing a guy for 2months and already feel like I'm married and the honeymoon period is over. God help me. Im thinking if I cant handle him now, is he really right for me???. He is overtly critical, bossy, moody, can be unaffectionate, loud, brash, annoying, ungrateful.....where does the list end....He is a perfectionist to a fault and I find that he is trying to make me into something I'm not and that I find very tiresome. I have grown bored of his moodswings and his constant critique of the way I live my life.

I dont want to give up on this relationship because its the closet I've ever been to giving anyone a chance but trust me to give the most difficult person the first go just scares me to going back to the old me. Give no one a shot till you think you've fallen madily in lust lol. Dont get me wrong, he's got great things going. He's clever, ambitious, hardworking, funny and makes me want to be better but he goes about it the wrong way. Rather than approach me in a nice, polite, advisory way; he becomes critical, moody and dramatic and all I want to scream is YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOMEONE WHO DOESNT GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!! I'll do exactly what pleases me so just take your moody self away from me, your negative vibes is getting on my tits lol. I dont want to be mean but I can feel dude bringing it out in me and God help me I am not going to end up resentful cuz I want a man. I'd rather be single.

Take time out and re-evaluate the situation. Give yourself a break, is this what you really want???

What is it about cHaMPaGNe cAMpAIgNS???????

Disclamier: In NO WAY am I encouraging BINGE DRINKING. If you wake up after a heavy night to drinking more alcholol (BEER is still alcholol)....BABY!!!! YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM...CONSULT YOUR LOCAL AA GROUP!!!....but to my average FRIDAY NIGHT BOOZE LOVER, that once the tangy, bubbly taste hits those LIPS, you cant STOP when you POP.......HEY!!!! PARTY IS FUCKING OVER HERE!!! AA POTENTIALS, this does not apply to you....you CANT have any...you have a problem ok!!! and if YOU DONT drink, thats FINE but for the JUDGEMENTAL AND SANCTIMONIOUS ....LEAVE YOUR FAKE ASS AT HOME....WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CLUB ANYWAYS???

OOOooooOOOOO What is it about CHAMPAGNE CAMPAIGNS????

Sends chills down me spine. I'll smiling writing this....hold on!!! Do I need AA??? Nah!!! I just love GOOD BOOZE AND A GOOD PARTY!!! YES BOSS!!! Now there are very simple steps to prepare for a successful CHAMPAGNE CAMPAIGN....rules for women and rules for men!!!

MEN (what WOMEN are thinking during the campaign)

Rule No. 1- Dont DRINK alone....You might think you look great....like YES I bought a bottle and will drink it all to myself....NAH!!! as long as it's alcholol you're going to look like (for the average-looking man)- BUM...you might as well have bought WHITE LIGHTNING!! (for the fine ass guy) SELFISH CONCEITED BILLY NO MATES!! or you're just FUCKING UGLY!!! LMAO!! and no one whats to drink with you...DONT be ANGRY!! someone has to be...we can't all be at the TOP!!!

Rule No.2- Be around SOME FINE ASS LADIES!!! Nothing makeS you LOOK like a BIGGER BALLER than FINE LADIES AND FINE WINE!!!

Rule No.3- Dont STOP POPPING till SOMEONE drops!!! Hopefully not YOU, cuz you need to settle the BILL

Rule No.4- Throwing a campaign MIGHT get you some but it doesnt AUTOMATICALLY get you FREE ASS!!! so quit your BITCHING!!! you wanted to BALL so we helped you feel GREAT about it!!!.

Rule No. 5- Dont GET INTO FIGHTS!!! come on now!! FIGHTING IS for the UNEDUCATED, it makes you LOOK STUPID!!! and everyone will think you're a DRUNK!!! even if you're sober...


WOMEN (what MEN are thinking during the campaign)

Rule No.1- SUGAR!!! if you got that PAPER!!! LETS POP!!! Nothing is more sexy to a MAN than a woman that can get her OWN SHIT!!! if you havent (for the average-looking female) you better have some PARTY TRICKS to compensate for why your UGLY ASS is here drinking my BOOZE (for the FINE ASS FEMALE) chei!!! YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER, we'll allow you, just SIT YOUR FINE ASS DOWN, drink as much as you like and hopefully you'll lose your inhibitions. LOL!!!

Rule No. 2- Learn how TO HANDLE YOUR BOOZE!!! nothing is more UNATTRACTIVE than a FEMALE being sick everywhere ESPECIALLY in PUBLIC....if you do it round the CORNER....you are a GENIUS!!! you've just created more room!!! PARTY ON!!!

Rule No.3- PLS PLS PLS dont GET DRUNK and DIAL that CUNT that jilted you LMAO!!! after your hardwork of IGNORING him for WEEKS, you're back to SQUARE ONE looking like a PBB (YES!!! A PSYCHO BUNNY BOILER).

Rule No. 4- PLS PLS PLS this is not the time to BRING OUT YOUR JAMO DANCE MOVES!!! everyone would think YOU'RE CRAZY!!! and honestly, I personally WILL NOT stand next to you.

Rule No. 5- DONT get into a FIGHT!!! its JUST DISGRACEFUL!!! and you know you have BITS you dont want POPPING OUT!!! leave the AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR for the BEDROOM!!! where it would be very much appreciated....

ANYWHERE you GO!!! as long as you're a POPPING!!! you must be HAVING A FANTASTIC NIGHT!!! cuz BOOZE is OUR FRIEND!!!, CHAMPAGNE hangover is a BITCH and the half and just to add TEAM KANYE!!!! GOT TO LOVE A MAN THAT SPEAKS HIS MIND!!!! EVERYONE WAS THINKING IT, HE JUST HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT!!!! and he only APOLOGISED cuz he's in the limelight and has to look good....unlike me hahahahaha I AINT GOT NO CORPORATE SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.......FREE SPEECH BABY!!!

What is it about PSYCHO BITCHES?????

Disclaimer: this does not apply to all women. there are still 1.3m good women out there but for the 100,000 psycho bunny boiling vindictive gold-digging man chasing snatching bitches out there, you need to get a fucking grip and keep yourself positively busy. If you are offended by this post, you are probably one....

What is it about PSYCHO BITCHES!!!!

What A sad group of ladies. You cant but feel for them cuz you know what, some of you are just misunderstood whilst the rest are just downright demons unable to express yourself properly you end up been the next axe murderer down your street. Fucking get a grip. What are you moaning about this time??? Whose life are you trying to destroy??? Is nothing ever good enough for you???? Give me Give me Give me......like a freaking baby....I aint your daddy sunshine.

The thing about PSYCHO bitches is that on the outside they seem like NORMAL WOMEN. They were probably normal at one point till someone ticked the wrong fucking box, pushing them over the sane cliff into a crazed oblivion. Now this woman could be one of your best friends, your girlfriend, your workmate or shag buddy. BEWARE!!!! because she is secretly trying to OWN YOU.

to the (PBB) PSYCHO BUNNY BOILER!!!! wow!!! you are a TOUGH LITTLE COOKIE arent you??? you need to stop your obsessive stalking ways before u decide to buy a gun and kill someone. Get the message SISTA, in life we all have ups and downs, good and bad. Be mature and learn to live with it. Certain relations dont work out for a good reason, why are you trying to hold on to someone that doesnt what to be HELD. Some screws are obviously MISSING in your head. however there are times when women haVE the right to wear the PBB badge and that is for the CUNTING MAN RAT!!! that needs to be SCREWED UP TEN FUCKING WAYS from yesterday.

to the MAN CHASING SNATCHING BITCH who pretends to be your friend.....fuck sake find your own man. They pretend to be on your side whilst secretly screwing your man or the person you fancy behind your back. Its hard enough to find someone to love you, then this crazy-ass leg spreading CUNT wants to steal your man. BITCH you want to see CRAZY??!! you better watch yourself. I will knock it right out of you. You must be OUTSIDE your mind.

to the GOLD-DIGGERS....lol. Babes I cant blame you. MONEY is a hell of a DRUG!!! getting with some next man so he can buy you DESIGNER BAGS......you've got your game air-tight. But when you start fucking with someone's marriage so you can go to DUBAI, then you need a SLAP!!! it better not be my man cuz I will find you.....to be honest you dont even want to see me.

Stop asking questions about what MEN are thinking when you're with them. MEN are SIMPLE PEOPLE, you know it already SEX, FOOTBALL, FOOD, SLEEP, PLAYING GAMES, SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN- its true, learn to live with it. If you cant live with it, consider been GAY.

No what GAME you're in before you decide to be a PLAYER if you cant abide by the rules then you shouldnt agree in the first place. DO NOT expect things to change as you play, you are only DELUDING yourself. STOP BEEN BITTER AND TWISTED. GET OVER IT. and find a HOBBY....JEEZ!!!!

I'm only saying what EVERYONE'S thinking....ok PUMPKIN!!!